How do you know.

Yes I put a period instead of a question mark because I'm putting it out there as more of a statement. Because How do you know - if you're making a fool of yourself, if you're choosing the right people to surround you, if you're just plain making a mistake?

Most days I feel semi confident about my decision making skills. I think "well if this is a bad idea it'll be okay, it'll find a way of working itself out". But today all I can think of is ''WRONG, WRONG, WRONG." Especially when it pertains to my love life as of late. I know I'm young and love is some cosmic occurrence that most people spend their life searching for but, my mind keeps fooling itself. Over and over and over again.

Do you know how much you can hurt people when you're constantly flirting with this idea of true love?

I enjoy the dance of it all so much. It's exhilarating, the newness just gets me. The excitement it all gives you sends waves throughout my body and my heart and mind are both screaming '"YES! Tell him you LOVE him! Tell him he is your FOREVER! Tell him he's the ONLY man for you!".

Then you really start to sink your teeth into the relationship and you realize, is this really the guy I said all this stuff to? I can't reallyyyy see a future with him...but maybe I can??

Then one day you shut down. You realize what the !*/? was I thinking. How could I ever think this was going to work out. You've been lying to yourself since the beginning and you know it! There is no excuse. And now you have to back out before you hurt them even more.

It's like some twisted game you like to play with yourself. Like ooh gonna hurt this one so much worse than the last new high score!

But then the person comes. And you don't expect him to. And you fall in love. But look at that; you still find a way to fuck it up. Your self sabotage ways are all you know - but then again he's as fucked up as you are. That's the only reason he falls in love with you. And that's all you think.

Until that moment. The moment when you realize they're gone. And you realize you were in love, but that doesn't change the fact that you aren't okay; that you aren't ready. Because you realize you're a mere child living the life of a lie. And your boyfriend was something you could love. Until you couldn't.

And that's reality folks. Love is fucking awesome, until it isn't.