Today is one of those days. Where you wake up and just feel unsure about absolutely everything.
I started a new job last week. I'm a sever once again in the city! Quick and not too difficult money, perfect for a broke af college student. Meeting new people and learning different things has been SUPER refreshing. But also very intense - due to the fact that my last job occurred pre self destruction Margot. It has only been 5 months but sometimes, like today, it feels like its only been 5 minutes.
When you start somewhere new, especially serving, you try to learn absolutely everything as quickly as you can. Just absorb it all so you don't make yourself out to be completely useless. You try to seem as friendly as you can without overdoing it, and you try to (hopefully) give everyone a great first impression of you. Then for me at least, I want to do really well. Give a little extra effort, help everyone I can. Pretty much do the most.
And in those first couple of days I felt useful and good for the first time in a long time. I was doing something for myself and felt like a functioning human being again. But as the shininess of the new kid rusts away it doesn't take long for the dullness to creep in.
Hence today. In my world I was supposed to do laundry, get groceries, sort out some clothes, etc. You know normal "day off" things. It's 5:43 PM and so far all I've accomplished is putting away some dishes, showering and heating up a corn dog. What a productive day! - I don't want to be this person again. The one of Margot's past. But when the cloud floats above you it seems impossible to make it fade away.
FYI I am totally not trying to sound like a debbie downer right now (check out the amazing gif I found btw). But one of the reasons I started writing this was to be honest and to let it out for once! Some days I wake up and feel like I'm Joseph Gordon-Levitt in that scene from 500 days of Summer. And some days and I'm the literal reincarnation of debbie downer. I'm just learning to accept that there is nothing wrong with that.
When people ask me if I'm having a bad day I just have to start saying yes instead of "no just tired". There is nothing wrong with being in a shitty mood.
It is now 6 PM exactly and there is nothing left but to try to make this day a better one. If I succeed then fantastic and if I don't then tomorrow will give me another chance.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk and helping me sort out my shit.
- Margot